To link to this blog from blog posts/comments, use [blog macstang1999], from anywhere else use http://personals.salon.com/blog/macstang1999,
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[Prelude: Mac is headed back to NorCal after what will have been a 9-month experiment, this time he being the stranded one in Little Rock Arkansas, 1800 miles from home and returning with three bags, his computer equipment and the long coat. Look out SF Mac will soon be back!)
Okay, so what have I learned? Well my last two relationships were serious enough to cause the first (Moon...whom we all love and respect) to move to Marin from Manhattan; and the second where I sold or gave away a lot fo my stuff and bambled everything to be with Jan in Little Rock Arkansas.
Good News: These are two of the most fantastic women EVER. Smart, spiritual, sexy as all get out and very mature. Really the best of the best and we are still very close friends and always will be.
Bad News: Both relationships failed to go the distance for really more than a few months and the common denominator for this failure is obviously ME.
I say this not to load false guilt or loathing upon myself. To be fair, only a guy with real zip on his fastball and is gifted at relationship can attract such women-folk, specially since half my front tooth is missing from a nasty fall, I am broke and I am overweight from blogging to much).
My friend Wademan calls it "The Tao of Mac"
The reality is I can attract women but I am like a pitcher who can go a good strong 5 innings of shutout ball then gets blasted. In other words, great Male Friend..great date...no one is ever bored hanging with me...but I SUCK at long-term relationships.
So I have learned that I am a great friend (and many of you here and at Facebook know this because we have been friends for a long time and you really matter to me...a LOT).
I have learned that while I absolutely adore women I am just not cut out to settle down with one. So I am retiring or am going to try to.
My second ex-wife (the really smart, angry, but funny one) told me recently to just give it up. She's right. My 12 year old daughter said the same thing when I moved here and she is not angry. She is kinda the voice of sanity..like the 12 year old daughter in Californication.
Other than the fact that I have yet to sell one of my books, and that i have a conscience and am not a sex-addict I find that series unnervingly way too relevant.
I have learned that Urban life cannot be underestimated. Living in Maumelle (a suburb in the middle of nowhere 25 minutes from Little Rock) is exactly like where they send Republican sex offenders when they go to Federal prison. Great food, cable, wifi...you roam free around a big house but there is nowhere to go except one of the three Wal-Marts. There are no cafes, art...no people except in cars.
I have learned (given the above) that I am a relational Vampire in many ways. I need the attention of women, the energy of the City in all it's smells and flavor and I need a goddamn OCEAN nearby...near enough to smell it.
I am also learned that the loss of proximity to offspring is a huge deal.
I thought that once securing a good job in Arkansas I could visit Camille a lot and she me here. Well in Arkansas they don't HIRE anyone who did not join the same Frat House in Fayetteville. Even people born in this state are "outsiders". I never had a chance. 150 tailored applications from a Webby nominated Internet producer and not ONE callback over 8 months.
So I have learned that unless you are in a corporation and are transferred here you are not welcome in Arkansas in any way shape or form.
Does that make me bitter? No. It does however make me pine for both close proximity to Daughter (who lives in Alameda) and to live in my City. ("That's right! It's MINE" ~Irish guy from Braveheart). I'd trade a safe night in a warm bed here for a sleeping bag on Baker Beach any day.
I mean where else can you go and have the Little Jedi balance the bridge like in this picture?
More in a bit. Love to all.
P.S. I can sound arrogant above because it is 1) true; 2) as I am retiring I have no need to try and impress. Ladies....I'll be your friend to your dying day, but never contemplate anything beyond that. (Suddenly I hear that Pee Wee herman speech coming on "I'm a Loner Dottie, a Rebel..."
I am back from my world tour. Okay, not a world tour, more like a US tour.
The Macmuda Triangle where relationships just disappear. Well no, that is not quite right either. Moon is back in Manhattan and we IM most every day and continue to be Family (and always will be).
To catch up old friends, after NYC, back to The Citadel in Marin, then Fairfax. Then a fair lass lured me to, of all places, Little Rock, Arkansas.
She is a wonderful friend and has abided a terrible job market here in Arkansas which is only exacerbated by my decidedly NOT being any part of the "Good Old Boys" network.
Little Rock is a trip to be sure, but I shall comment and tell some humorous anecdotes, and some not so funny ones (sadly).
Now I am in the center of the Triangle. Do I stay in Little Rock and make a life here on my own (I live in the Burbs...beautiful house, but the Macman in the Burbs?? I will sooner or later have to live in the Arts area, or "The Heights" or I will go insane. Do I go back to the Bay Area with like 3 large bags and my computer sent in the mail (I don't need much..that's my Zen side)or do I look for work in a great CITY like Boston?
For those of you who don't know me, I was a daily poster here for years, then moved off to FB. Well I am back. All you know is I am a Freak and a walking enigma. Other here will attest.
So Yes, Christopher MacDonald is back on Salon (which I have missed)
Carrie just tells me on FB that some can or cannot read blogs...WTF? I guess you have to be friends...but friends now cost? Well I'm just gonna hotlist ya so you can maybe see my blog posts...or if that doesnt work I'll stick with Just FV I just kinda like talking relational stuff here with old friends.
Anybody got a workaround. Lord knows I've given FC enough biz.
The house stories down to nothing Only the chores remain The lingering obligations left open like The empty lunchbox.
With a snap The clasp is undone Spilling out the remains Of our separate days Cracker bits and cellophane A darkened rind The reddened stain Around the thermos rim Empty Yet still Begging for tommorow.
Comes the parental sigh Then breath again A new breath And the box is rinsed out With a mild soapy water And tamped-down ready For tommorow.
Then comes the fun, The kind all too easy to miss: The dragging smear of chunky buttered nuts Across the 12 grain bread The cheap gelatinous Grape jelly Dropped down thick Like bulbous concord lakes dropped down Onto spongy wheatfields that Only the knify wind Can turn to glaze. And the long stick of string cheese Like a treasure A full comfort stapled to your ribs.
But after all You'll still be hungry So you have that apple. Adults make so much of the apple Sometimes dear one An apple is just The best blessed fruit God ever invented And no more. Don't let anyone tell you The apple's to blame for any of Their damned mess.
The apple is the best Don't forget that.
Then every day's box Brings your "special deal" And the deal comes from us Us who love you And this last little item Is personal So your Mom would never give you The same thing I would It's a subjective thing And you're the Subject of Each special deal with you.
So, I'd like my special deals In the lunchbox Most everyday I know what ya need But your mom's got to get Her two mitts in too So you gotta take what ya get With the special deal.
As for me I'd give you a dark Hershey bar One of those flat bricked ones Cut in half Each day. You gotta admit There's something pure about That bar. And only so much you can Take in each day.
So tommorow When you open the lunchbox And you make your way through The peanut-jelly gorge And strip down the cheese And crimp around your apple Don't forget that We are there with you Your mom and I We're in the bread We're in the grape And we smiled for you As we picked out the jars And singled out the cheeses And we delight as your sweet mouth Hits that first frail Panel of chocolate.
Easter always gets second billing. When people think of Christianity they think CROSS…not empty tomb.
Which is just wrong-headed for anyone who is mortal.
I guess it makes a certain twisted sense. Paul said that the cross would be the issue. It was in 60 A.D. and it is today. A “stumbler” or “nonsense”. Yet the same God Who chose women to be the first eyewitnesses to resurrection (not men who were the only ones counted as valid) decided to be very clear on the centrality of the cross.
Deal.
I do not know how it plays out for you…but my guess is it either stumbles you or doesn’t quite make sense. (The whole “cross” thing).
I find it interesting that people wear elaborate crosses around their necks (I do) and are drawn to it. No ones wears an empty seplechre. That’s the story we now have to deal with.
All our arguments that want to predate the cross or stick on it miss the historical fact. He Rose.
Stagnant pools fill the bottom of my hollow cavernous worry Everything seems irrevocably dead here: the yellow sulfer driping spreading dread and fever.
A wafer of magnesium hydroxide mixed in a tumbler of water: a symbol of discordant broken communion That portion of our inwardness on Earth as It'll always be in Hell.
All is silently hopeless And borken.
"Borken? Did you say Borken?" Asks a voice.
"I meant 'Broken' But even that was broken" I say.
"Borkin?" asks the voice. "That's for Bork's right?"
I laugh and look up and around the empty room.
"I've just come to stir the water," says the voice.
Suddenly there is movement And the pool is drained like a ruptured cup While the Earth is broken open like bread.
A blogger recently stated that his use of a charcater/profile/persona was in some way used to throw people "off the scent"
Off the scent of what? (I ask).
Off the scent of who he actually is for it is in our words and our deeds that we are known (most often when they meet and match).
In a very real sense blogging is what it says: doing a public log. True, the honesty and vulnerability in which people write runs the gamut from utter sincerity to complete manipulative psychosis...but then, with few exceptions, we are simply revealing in that who we are.
One way in which such blogging transcends the more fantasyland aspects of daily commerce is that people actually talk about some real issues in their lives from time to time. On more than a few occasions people are hurt or confused and look to a board of others writers not for some fantasy escape but rather real encouragement...simple though it may be.
I have no doubt that if I was distressed (truly so) the majority of regular writers would sent a note of encouragement that was heartfelt. That is not fantasy.
As for playing roles, two things.
One, we all do to some extent in life. In fact, perhaps one of our greatest tasks is simple to become ourselves so we are not playing a role as much as living out who we are. With that can come an awareness of the roles we slide into...but these are not necessarily duplicitous. When I shift into "papi" mode with my kids I am not deceiving them. In the final place behind short fictions or expressions we do have a core that only God knows, and which only a few humans have access to (who have been tested). We each have our holy of holies that is both beautiful and a bit terrifying.
(splitting this into two so it is not so long). Part two is on "role-playing" and blogging and pubbed first).
One thing I will end with (and Moon will attest). I am very much like what I write (a smartass intellectual with a big heart)..I am just more diplomatic in person because I have to be...which I will explain.
Mar 19, 2008 5:35 am
Mood: contemplative,
13837 Views
Yes, I dealt with role-playing of one kind )regualr life-kind) pretty quickly. What can I say..I'm a bit cryptic as well.
I think MDiv's assertion that he acts a persona (not his words...mine) to throw people off the scent probably just means he doesn't want to get pigeon-holed (he said as he pigeon-holed him).
To be sure these "personas" are often sinply sides to each one of us. I can be deadly in logical debate, but I can also recant on a dime. That will come out in different ways. The regulars here know I am a "Christian" - and a devout one who takles it seriously every day - but I am not one of those moralistic assholes who thinks for s econd he is batter than anyone. In fact, my theology insist I am probably much worse than most.
So here is a story of when I used personas or characters to myself throw others "off the scent" and what I learned form it.
I use to pop into D. TenNapel's blog. He's the cartoonist (brilliant) responsible for Earthworm Jim and Catscratch. He's a gifted artist and a fundamentalist Christian who is blatant in his love of money, guns, gas-guzzling and Right-Wing war mongering and We-They Dichotimy loving.
I like his honesty. It takes guts to overtly be an asshole and allow dissent on your blog for a few days. Which was the rub. I would debate on biblical point (and by the way, never assume that Right-Wingers have actually ever read the New Testament...they haven't).
Doug warned me when I came on as a side-editor and regular contributer that his minions would "pile on" every time I posted. They did, but it was of no concern to me (and not because I did not care). I just went deeper and more core biblical and pulled their arguments up from the roots.
It infuriated them...They screamed like a pack of wild gollums missing their precious rings.
And then the "bannings". Despite the odds being at least 25 to one and Dougy running the whole show I had to be silenced. So I was banned.
NO matter. I just came back as subversive characters.
At times it took them months to figure out it was me. Being a writer use to fiction I could fairly easily and quickly created a whole new character on the fly, name him (usually something deeply ironic with a twist of lime) and cause living mayhem.
Now all of it was great fun (including their banning my IP address...to which I just switched to Privoxy and my IP address bopunced around the world as they pinged it like the CIA trying to track Robert Redford in Three Days of the Condor).
But to what purpose? We all know that "a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still" (Swift).
Well, for me it was good sparring (I was horribly out of shape) but not much real "good" came of it... and you can see that was all about me and rather selfish. And now, later, I think it better had I simply hunkered down deeper, been less of a smartass (just because one has a .44 magnum doesn't mean one should use it...in fact, often the opposite)
In a certain sense was I not becoming just like them and, even now, seeing them as a "them" instead of recognizing I am just as arrogant in my own ways?
Some of you have other "personas" or profiles here for who knows what reasons. But I think the open potential here is to drop a lot of that and simply be yourself.
I have no doubt that if I met any number of ytou who I have been reading face to face and had a deep talk I would see whole other sides and many large things not revealed in writing. But it is not true that who you are does not come through. Even a person who chooses a persona to embody on a blog is still revealing much ...even if it is latent in real life.
STan Lee is perhaps one of America's great inventors of various heroic characters. But note the common thread of his best known personas: Iron Man, Spiderman, Hulk...what do they have in common?
There is the core beneath the persona. And it;s quite plain in his writing and creating.
Wednesday Easter poem to come...me or not me?
And if I said I cared about spell checking my stuff, would you believe me?
Here is a related (to me) one in local government.
I was using my library card to checkout DVDs at the local San Anselmo branch. I was late with two movies to the tune of a buck a day for a total of $16 bucks. I paid $8 to rent the next stack of 5 and the librarian told me that all I needed to do was go online and get another week by renewing, thus avoiding fees in the future.
The library sent me an email after five days. Instead of waiting two more days (the due date) I decided to handle it up front and make sure I had no more late fees.
When I returned the videos exactly two weeks from the checkout date I was informed I owed another $20!
Long conversations ensued with the librarian (the head one) having the simple ability to wipe clean an obvious misunderstanding (instead of another week as they had said, they took it from the day...so my proactive nature cost me $20...or would if I was going to pay it...which I won't).
How do I know she could just clarify her policy; "be right" (technically) and wipe out the exorbitant late fees? Because she started to barter with me.
She would agree to waive half the fees and I could "pay on time" (irony lost on her) the next few weeks.
Missing the whole point of a library, the email notiifcation online renewal system etc..she just wanted my face in it...even though I had eaten at least one bowl of hit crow already.
Okay...I do not believe in revenge or retribution. My spiritual tradition insists that all sin, no matter how small or petty, are somehow "covered" by the sacrifice of God's Son in Jesus. I heppen to believe this. I even practice it with ex-wives (some take more practice than others).
But this is too much. (or as Ernest Becker suggests, it is not the major things that send a man over the edge--it is the "broken shoe lace at the wrong moment").
This is my broken show lace.
So what do you suggest I do? Passivity is not called for. I want ironic retribution beyond just using Moon;s card to checkout stacks of movies and asking for clarification each time from the head librarian on their policy.
Should I write my Congressman? Should I file a class-action suit?
Oh hell...I might as well be selling state flakes on eBay. I need a walk.
Pick up the morning paper (er...on your screen) or via a bona fide news agency like MSNBC (or to a greater degree The Daily Show) and witness the utter flakiness that is America.
$12 billion a month in a war now rivaling all of WW2 (our last necessary war where we were actually attacked), massive cuts in teachers and programs in most states, the economy floundering and gas prices aimed at $4 a gallon and what do Americans care about?
Spitzer, how tough Hilary/Obama Is/Isn't, the Media in the election and a fucking corn flake shaped like Illinois being sold on eBay with bids now over $200,000.
Americans...sighs.
It is quite obvious that having our homes taken, our jobs limited, eliminated or shipped overseas, our children paying for a get-rich Military-Industrial Ponzi scheme that has resulted in nearly 4,000 American deaths and untold disabilties, being lied to daily by our own government and having criminals and companies given immunity for real wrongs will not be enough.
It will take the closing of area malls or the cessation of cable television to wake up a population so brain dead and listless as to warrant the name "sloth".
I say sloth for a reason. While still watching cable (I limit myself) I stumbled upon that bastion of hard news...The Colbert Report. I say hard because it ironically is more informative in its satire than most serious news shows which have no hard news at all.
In a piece related to our claims on the North Pole, it was noted that the sloth, or a type of arctic sloth, had become extinct in the polar region as Colbert says "because it was the only creature that could not outrun a glacier."
That's us!
To add the moniker of the late Good Doctor Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in the Land of Sloth."
To link to this blog from blog posts/comments, use [blog macstang1999], from anywhere else use http://personals.salon.com/blog/macstang1999,
and to read it remotely use the feed.
