To link to this blog from blog posts/comments, use [blog macstang1999], from anywhere else use http://personals.salon.com/blog/macstang1999,
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Carrie just tells me on FB that some can or cannot read blogs...WTF? I guess you have to be friends...but friends now cost? Well I'm just gonna hotlist ya so you can maybe see my blog posts...or if that doesnt work I'll stick with Just FV I just kinda like talking relational stuff here with old friends.
Anybody got a workaround. Lord knows I've given FC enough biz.
Well there is a sort of poetic justice of sorts, my now living in Liitle Rock Arkansas, and Moon living in Marin (though that may not be for much longer). The difference is that she had planned to reloacte (eventually) to the Bay Area from New York before we met...I just escalated things. And, she also had someone waiting for her upon returning to the Bay Area with a big enough place to live tc...blah blah blah. I never ever thought of moving to Little Rock Arkansas, or, frankly, any place in the South. had heard it was hot and humid here and the the "culture" was a bit different. I am here to tell you that all of these visious rumors are simply true. What I dd not expect was how beautiful the South can be. It is lush. Up until I visited Jan here and decided to move all of my notions of what the South "looks like" have changed. The only picture I had up until then was the back of Bush's range with lots of ugly brush and the hot son beating down...or maybe a secene from Cool Hand Luke (and no guys, not THAT car wash scene). So, having fallen for Jan, and also noting that the entire State of California seemed to be crumbling and edging towards the sea with Captain Arnold Stubbing at the wheel I sold what I could (NEVER EVER try to have a yard sale in Marin, packed a room's worth of belongings (most cpus, books and equipment) and the VW bug and moved. To Little Rock. Now here is a classic problem with being a human being. Even the most jaded always feel like whatever problems they long had in one place can be avoided by moving to another place. Well, to some extent this can be true. My move from Roseville to SF in 2003 was a huge Life-saving move. My problem is different than a lot of guys I know. They cannot find a good woman to save their lives...and these are good, attractive, beautiful men. Naw...constant frustration. I, on the other hand, find the most amazing women. Even more amazing (in hindsight) is that each of the last four (most guys maybe get two really good shots)had not been in a relationship (significant) with a man for a long time. Something about who I am just drew them out and made them want to try. I guess that is a good quality. And generally, each of them is far better off for having known and been with me, than where they were at prior. Now I can only say that because of the following: I also note that I really cannot be what they need me to be. I guess, in car language, it's a lot like owning an old TR6. Beautiful, fun, interesting...nice lines (in my case verbal)...but doggonit! Always in the shop!
It has been months now that I have been, once again, single. I cannot say unattached because the bond of friendship between Moon and myself has moved beyond most categories. She is family in exactly the way my best friend of 35 years is. Nothing can change that. She could find the man of her dreams tomorrow and I would be happy for her and probably really like him (she would only choose a really good man).
So in the meantime I have met and had some nice friendship dates. A FD is a non-agendized, open social meeting not leading to sex (cuz you don;t even know each other). I am in that enviable place (for me) where I do not feel neeedy at all. I am content and at peace. Moon and I talk every day. I don;t discuss this much with her (though she will read this) out of respect for any potential hurt to someone I utterly adore and trust with my life and vice-versa. We are the deepest of allies. I mean she is free to know anything she likes (not that with FD there is much to know).
I am also at the deepest level of recovery and rebuilding a whole new life. It is rather exciting while there is total calm at the center of the outward whirlwind of change.
I am actually enjoying it.
And I am utterly upfront about any and all issues I have in my life with anyone I meet. I am free to do that as well!
So outwardly there are many challenges...but inwardly there is peace and balance. Moon has done a MASTERFUL job (as perhaps only she and a few others could) in being available to encourage and support without being enmeshed at all. It's really quite amazing.
And so, a week from tomorrow I leave the Citadel for good and it is a good thing. Time to leave for a new life...probably in Fairfax.
So Mac and Moon have been broken up for some time now. Uniquely peaceful and respectful and still best friends.
So unlike most breakups. This one was discussed with grace and openly as we have done every other issue from day one.
But the economy has gone south for the whole damned country on Bush's so called "watch" (in this case the definition is "watching the country get robbed six ways from Sunday and then raped"). So I have to leave the beloved Citadel...my Ivory Tower.
Do not weep for me San Anselmo...I am actually very ready to leave. My time here has been used up (and it is way too expensive for me to sustain by myself). So my stuff is mostly going into storage or loaned to neighbors and I am going Zen, with a satchel of books, some clothes, my laptop and one of my CPU Towers and a monitor. That is it...and I am going to seek refuge where?
Moons!
Now just temporarily (a month) but that's Irony from a distance. Actually up close it is not because we have always been friends and then best friends and we remain best friends. Sure it would/will be weird if she meets another man. But a best friend always wants the best for the other...and I do. And she does for me.
In other words love has not abated, just changed. No bitterness and she will be in my life and I in hers from now till the day we die. That is what I call a success.
Goodbye Citadel and hello "Sanctuary" (that is the apt name for Moon's place). It is beautiful and incredibly peaceful. It is a healing and safe place. It is just like Moon.
For those of you good friends who have watched us from NYC to California and who questioned from the outset our viability long-term you were both right and utterly wrong.
I seems that we will not be a couple but will be family. For 17 months and across country we have been best friends, lovers, confidantes, protectors....always honest and kind.
I wrote Todd Zebert earlier and said
"there is only one person I hold in higher esteem....actually equal esteem and that is my best friend of 35 years Scott Mitchell. They stand out as the two most lovely, kind, truthful, gracious people I have known in my 51 years. We have no regrets and talk daily. In 18 months we never argued...which is usually a sign of dysfunction and fear. Not so here. I have never lived so nakedly....openly and so many of you at Salon...etc watched our story unfold from New York and California. I doubt you will mind if I post this there as well. So many dear people there....many that we met.
After I wrote Todd realized that I should also address those of you who have watched, listened, encouraged, blessed the adventure that Leslie (Moon) and I embarked on.
Let me be clear. We DEEPLY love one another and she has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. She will IM me in the am or call and we are in daily contact and suppose we always will be. The "discussion" was frankly, kind and true. Wish all people had such respect and love. I am a blessed man.
Aug 29, 2008 5:38 pm
Mood: contemplative,
11680 Views
I have always been faithful, open and communicative with Moon....but I have failed to love in an utterly sacrificial way. Many of you have watched our story the last year...with real hope. A long distance relationship between California and New York...the move...meeting my kids...my own issues that I have shared openly here.
It is very sad because there is no person I know who is better than Moon...she is like Jesus in a skirt. And I am the best man she has ever known.
So now I am single again. I lost her. I can tell. My gut is never wrong.
So I am back...not looking (that would be dumb) but this is a community I value...you know who you are.
It's damned hot here at The Citadel. Way too early to be so. IT;s near nidmight asnd I just went for a long walk...been up since 6:30 ...no end in sight witht he heat.
And we live in the coolest part of the building...I am such a WUSS!
Still, mutant Scots of my size burn 15 degrees hotter than anyone else...particularly tall red-headed waifs like Moon.
But I wanted to comment. She looked so pretty tonight in her summer dress. Strawberry hair pinned up and languid on the long couch as we watched Deadwood (sooner or later it all comes out...I love good dialog).
She is such a good woman...really the best I have ever known and I chose the last few years to only spend time with good women.
Anyway, she moves next week. Out but still in. It's all good. She sure looked fine tonight.
May 10, 2008 6:13 am
Mood: adventurous,
15263 Views
7000 lbs of stuff 1 cat 1 hot red-head move-in
Minus Lots of hard work, Moving stuff around Job Searchs Four months (which is about right)
Add Mutant Scotsman whose Calm but Mercurial and a Creative Mess
Equals= A good solid loving couple With two places (soon) ___________________
Many gave us a doom's chance in Hades to making it this far given the cross-country romancing, possible unreality, inexperience living together, etc...oh and my mostly successful battle against alcohol.
Well they were mistaken.
Love, communication, faith, vulnerability, loyality and the willingness to keep trying and keep a heart of compassion goes a long way...especially in the age we live in. Those are certainly qualities we vaLue in our longest friendships...why no in love and romance?
Now we had the advantage of both KNOWING that the "Romantic Myth" is just that. Some days you are hot for each other, other days you had might as well be siblings. As C.S. Lewis suggests, when "Romance ceases to be a god, it also ceases to be a demon". You keep your sense of humor, and, at the very least, you get laid more often and by someone you love and trust (and you don't have any awkward mornings).
But sometimes you need some diatnce and because I work here from the Citadel 24/7 and she is job hunting we were here together ALL THE TIME.
Now, remember sweet friends, before I met Moon I was a virtual recluse in every sense of the word. Even living with Miss T did not effect this as she is much the same. I went weeks without seeing much of anyone.
It was an adjustment when Moon first visited for three days...three WHOLE DAYS with someone else.
But I am NOT known for my inflexibility (I can bend backwards and kiss my own ass...and have done so). So I stretched. We talked. I bought another laptop and a pack so I could hit the cafe and work from there sometimes.
But we missed the step of living in the same town and being able to process alone and also MISS EACH OTHER.
I have to say, given all that and all the change, we have maintained a house filled with compassion and good humor. But Moon is renting a small duplex up on the ridge in Fairfax (very cool). I lot of her stuff will remain here and she is still my girl.
AM I tired?
Yes and no.
Mac's are MADDENING (every one of us...and there are many more), but on the good side I possess flexibility and an ability to rejuvinate that must simply be grace. (read: "We keeps KILLING HIM and HE KEEPS getting UP!"
I have been through more the last five months than most encounter in two years. I'm fine. Moon is good too. We're good.
Just checking in.
(by the way I have been asked to be a guest blogger for the San Francisco Chronicle on their Giants Sports page...pretty cool huh?) Luv to all the old guard here.
The house stories down to nothing Only the chores remain The lingering obligations left open like The empty lunchbox.
With a snap The clasp is undone Spilling out the remains Of our separate days Cracker bits and cellophane A darkened rind The reddened stain Around the thermos rim Empty Yet still Begging for tommorow.
Comes the parental sigh Then breath again A new breath And the box is rinsed out With a mild soapy water And tamped-down ready For tommorow.
Then comes the fun, The kind all too easy to miss: The dragging smear of chunky buttered nuts Across the 12 grain bread The cheap gelatinous Grape jelly Dropped down thick Like bulbous concord lakes dropped down Onto spongy wheatfields that Only the knify wind Can turn to glaze. And the long stick of string cheese Like a treasure A full comfort stapled to your ribs.
But after all You'll still be hungry So you have that apple. Adults make so much of the apple Sometimes dear one An apple is just The best blessed fruit God ever invented And no more. Don't let anyone tell you The apple's to blame for any of Their damned mess.
The apple is the best Don't forget that.
Then every day's box Brings your "special deal" And the deal comes from us Us who love you And this last little item Is personal So your Mom would never give you The same thing I would It's a subjective thing And you're the Subject of Each special deal with you.
So, I'd like my special deals In the lunchbox Most everyday I know what ya need But your mom's got to get Her two mitts in too So you gotta take what ya get With the special deal.
As for me I'd give you a dark Hershey bar One of those flat bricked ones Cut in half Each day. You gotta admit There's something pure about That bar. And only so much you can Take in each day.
So tommorow When you open the lunchbox And you make your way through The peanut-jelly gorge And strip down the cheese And crimp around your apple Don't forget that We are there with you Your mom and I We're in the bread We're in the grape And we smiled for you As we picked out the jars And singled out the cheeses And we delight as your sweet mouth Hits that first frail Panel of chocolate.
Easter always gets second billing. When people think of Christianity they think CROSS…not empty tomb.
Which is just wrong-headed for anyone who is mortal.
I guess it makes a certain twisted sense. Paul said that the cross would be the issue. It was in 60 A.D. and it is today. A “stumbler” or “nonsense”. Yet the same God Who chose women to be the first eyewitnesses to resurrection (not men who were the only ones counted as valid) decided to be very clear on the centrality of the cross.
Deal.
I do not know how it plays out for you…but my guess is it either stumbles you or doesn’t quite make sense. (The whole “cross” thing).
I find it interesting that people wear elaborate crosses around their necks (I do) and are drawn to it. No ones wears an empty seplechre. That’s the story we now have to deal with.
All our arguments that want to predate the cross or stick on it miss the historical fact. He Rose.
To link to this blog from blog posts/comments, use [blog macstang1999], from anywhere else use http://personals.salon.com/blog/macstang1999,
and to read it remotely use the feed.
